Monday 7th Nov 2016

7/11

The time my daughter Kobi was born.

I walked into the gym here at Coolangatta and bit the bullet and joined the gym.

Weight today: 89 kilos

My daily moisturizer, lives in my bathroom

Clean green Lunch!

Clean crackers for the girls at work

Morning Breakfast!

Eggs, spinach and Veggies #cleaneating

My clean lunch with marinated octopus

My clean lunch with marinated octopus

Kobi Loving my healthy egg bacon muffin

#cleaneating home made

Now or never

Ok, I'm going to let you in and to follow my journey during the next 3 months as i bite the bullet and get fit... No more talking about it or thinking, i have a beautiful daughter and partner and having a very sad, confused sister who hates me when all i want to do is  share the lo've is all the motivation i need! Stay tuned...

Emotional? Me?

So there I was, I’d walked in at 11pm last night from work and on the table a big envelope from Currumbin Primary School stared at me!

Excited I was to see what teachers had Kobi and to see what side of the school she will be in. I opened the letter from both her teachers and all of a sudden my heart started pounding and my chest kind a hurt and I was blinking to hold back tears???

OMG, I was getting sad that my little girl was growing up and going to Big School next year and I felt like I was losing her!

I know I’m not loosing Kobi but it was freaky seeing my emotions just take over like that. I paced the lounge room reading that she was going to be in class PE and on the BIGGER SIDE OF THE SCHOOL. Arrrgggggggggggggg........

There are 4 Prep classes across the road in a nice little quaint area just for them and on the bigger side 2 Prep classes and this is where Kobi will be. Turning up for morning orientation not long ago to experience the whole school vibe took me back to when I started at Maclean Primary School. As I stood in the quadrangle a class of 8 year olds walked pass, no smiling, just staring us all up and down so in my own little head there I was playing a 5 year old looking at the older kids just staring me down, not smiling, walking with attitude, waiting for my mummy to walk out the gate so I could get picked on! I was looking at Kobi when this movie was playing in my head and straight away I could see myself putting Kobi into Self Defence classes, Karate classes, Kung Fu classes, just so she knew how to stick up for herself and stand strong.... Then I came back to reality, gulped and moved on...

The list of items needed comes to $177.80 – most of these I can see getting lost, left at school or the dog will probably eat! Then the uniforms... Of course these are going to be real expensive because NO price list was attached for this one!

I know Kobi will be fine. She has been attending Kangas since she was 8 months old, being surrounded by strangers most of her life. We have no family to help, no family to call on for ½ a day or a full day while we have to work ( no say in this one) and that thing we all have called a ‘Mortgage’. The only choice was this.

But I look at everything as a POSITIVE. In any situation that does not agree with me, I always see the POSITIVE SIDE.

Kobi loves people, very much a people person. Has wonderful manners, is polite and knows how to act around a bunch of strangers. Has learnt to stick up for herself at an early age. Being hit in the face by a stranger baby has made this cherub a little bit stronger in personality.

She will be FINNNNNEEEEEEEE at school I know. I have many wonderful friends who’s’ children have gone through the same thing, not once but even 4 or 5 times! First day at school photos I still have with me of some of my friends or in my mind I remember seeing the photos of their precious cargo all ready for big school. This comforts me.

So bring on 23rd January for I am ready for you!

20 High Street YAMBA

For me, home is not the physical street address that I go to after work to sleep and eat, but it’s the place that I desire to return to when given the chance; the place of my childhood where my nearest and dearest grew up, a part of the world where my fondest memories still linger in street corners and familiar faces.

A place where I grew up with all my friends, sleepovers, hangovers, drinkovers, birthday parties every year, laughter, camping in the back yard, listening to the Picture Theatre playing its movies, the drunks rolling and laughing down the hill from the pub and yahoooing, the childhood friends I am still friends with today who would come and holiday in Yamba, being able and very blessed to walk to the pub, the golf club and the bowling club every weekend, especially the smell of my dad’s cooking from down the street... the way the shop owners would always so.. 'I can always smell your dads cooking', and just a great place and best position to be bought up in.

So it comes to no surprise then, with the strong connection I feel about my 'old' home, that I defend it like it’s a part of my physical body. It was my sanctuary, the place I always came back to.

So it caught on fire... this is telling me that it’s about time the ole girl was laid to rest and a brand new start must be made and new memories on this spot.


Yes, I am very sad, very sad, tears well up, but the memories will live on in my photo albums, and I have plenty of them.

Recurring Plane Crash Dreams

This link is about the closest I could find to show you how my dreams look and feel to me - They feel real to me like this... - ONLY THE BEGINNING PART AS IT IS AN EDITED VIDEO CLIP - IT TURNS OUT FINE IN THE END..Click on link below to view or cut and paste...

http://youtu.be/CGBLVp_7yUE

I have these recurring dreams of planes crashing. I’m not joking, these dreams are so so real but don’t happen that often, but often enough to disturb me, and cause me to do a quick search on the internet about it.

I am never inside the plane, always on the ground watching. And the plane always tries to pull out of the crash using some strange physics that is only available in dreams, but then ends up ploughing into the earth and basically disintegrating. I am never aware of knowing any of the passengers, just that there are passengers.

I always realize that the plane is going to crash before it actually does, and all I do is stand there and watch it (what more could anyone do in that circumstance?). It usually crashes quite close to me, no more than a few hundred feet away. Sometimes it crashes into a building and other times into the ground (my next-door-neighbour’s yard in another dream).

This morning’s dream I was with my girlfriend Nicole, we were outside, and I was talking to her husband on the phone then he put Nicole’s mum on the phone and she was yelling at me as I left Kobis birthday cards on her table back in Newcastle with money in them, which in my head was really the table at 20 High Street Yamba where I use to live. And I turned around and this plane was a BIG LONG plane blue and white, I was showing Nic, as we live near the airport ( in my dream and in real life) pointing to it and then it went over us and wobbled really badly, they always seem to wobble in my dreams and then it turned around towards us and back away and BANG!! It crashed down on to a main highway and in the distance I could see another small plane crash.... I always cower down and cover my head.

In other dreams, the plane was about to crash down onto me, but somehow put on the “brakes” and slowed to a stop right above my head, then sort of swung like a pendulum for a moment before being shot off to the side, but not at a high enough angle to pull out of the crash. The plane crashed into a building just past the building I was standing near.

In the neighbor’s yard dream, ( it was the street behind me) I saw the plane up in the sky flying normal when all of a sudden, the plane did a barrell roll to try and turn around I was thinking about whether or not the passengers were rolling around in the plane, when the plane suddenly made an abrupt u-turn and began flying toward my direction. I think at this point I realized that for the plane to do a barrell roll was not normal and meant the plane was in trouble. The plane then proceeded to dramatically lose altitude as it flew, and crashed into my neighbor’s yard. There was lots of schrapnel after that, and I put my arms over myself for protection, but was never hit by anything anyway.

I Goggled this and found an answer below:

Dreaming of Plane Crashes may represent a necessary change, usually in your thinking that allows you to enter another 'plane' of existence--the current 'plane' must crash to allow new freedom of existence. Should this be the case, remember that what always survives the crash is the black box--that part of you that keeps your memories, your dreams, and your soul alive!

A final note about plane crash dreams. Planes involve soaring, of reaching unbelievable heights and travelling at amazing speed. Your dream may simply be telling you that you have the ability to accomplish more than you ever thought humanly possible but the fear of taking flight and going into a place you've never been is overwhelming you. If this is the case, I encourage you to step on the plane, get in that seat, and prepare for the adventure ahead...even if you need a friend to help you do it!

Mmmm, Something for me to ponder about I think!

A tribute to my Uncle Kelvin - with a Poem at the end

My Uncle Kelvin was a character; he had many a personalities that I remember growing up. Here are some of the fondest memories I have of my Uncle:

I was around 7 or 8 and my dad lifted me up onto our dining room table at our house at Roberts Creek Brushgrove.. As mum wanted to do my hair. Our Christmas tree was up all sparkly and we were on our way to Calliope to celebrate Christmas with our Aunty Mary, Uncle Kelvin and my three cousins, Leanne, Lisa and Susan. My god I can still feel the excitement I had right now, I remember my legs swinging under the table and me singing’ Goodie, Goodie Gum Drops, Goodie Goodie

Gum Drops. I was going to play and have fun with my cousins and I was going to play with Bracken the dog. Aunty Mary would pamper me and give me loads of hugs and kisses, and then there was Uncle Kelvin, who I loved getting a big hug from but at the same time he scared me. He was a big man compared to my dad, a deep strong voice and whenever he used it I would get scared, but never tell anyone or show it, but then he would go about whatever he was doing and I would smile and carry on again.

I remember mostly the word SUUUSSSANNNNNNNN!!!! Coming from him. It was just Uncle Kelvin. I use to watch him take photos and be in awe of this and wished I was just like him taking the photos. It was something that really grabbed me from an early age. I remember being so proud that he would take photos for the Grafton Daily Examiner and his name would be attached, and while I was at St Marys College, I would make a point to say “That’s my Uncle who took those”! I was also proud to say that “My Uncle worked and the Grafton Brewery and was management”.

Christmas time was always my favourite time, with everyone laughing and carrying on, yelling over top of one another, then Uncle Kelvin would put on his Country and Western Music. That’s right my Christmas were full of Country and Western Music, not Frosty the Snow man or jingle bells. This I loved! I love different.

I’d ask him questions and he would happily answer them but I knew when he was finished – a short fuse I think and I always had that bit of “I’m a little scared” still inside of me as I grew older.

It was Uncle Kelvin who got me into loving taking photographs which I thank him for this today. What you can capture in one second, you can hold onto a lifetime...

I was also bought up with stuffed animals peering out at me from the walls! Deer’s were my favourites. I would sneak a pat looking very wearily as I was waiting for Uncle Kelvin to jump and yell “Don’t you bloody well touch that” and make me fall to the ground trembling. But I got away with it.

Uncle Kelvin was a strong man, and he has not gone too far, his spirit is here with us every day, it’s just the body that dies, not his spirit.

Look into your heart and be honest about all the people in your past who have harmed you in any way. Where there is pain, practice pardon. Forgiveness is the very foundation of spiritual awakening. - Dr. Wayne Dyer

My Poem

My dear Uncle Kelvin can't you see?
I'm not the little niece you remember me to be
I am now 40 years of age with a family of my own
But just always remember that you will never be alone

My Uncle Kelvin he was loud, and by god was he proud
He also had a strong personality
Which really stood out in a crowd

He also had his soft spots too
I witnessed with his children
They hugged and kissed and played with him
And he also loved his grandchildren

I will always remember our arguments
Our feuds, even our different points of views
There is one thing that I know will never change
Is the love I had for you

I hope that you can hear me
And even if you can't
I want you to know
You're always in my heart.

God bless,goodnight and sweet dreams Uncle Kelvin
Love your neice Jessica

Dad - My Angel Experience

Trying to write an experience on FB is not so easy as it must be said in 420 words – So I will put it into my blog in more detail.

I was driving to work yesterday ( Monday June 13th) it was raining and miserable and being a public holiday most people were home with their loved ones or families and I got thinking of my dad. It was exactly just as I drove past the Coolangatta airport. I think of dad now and then and as you do, I get all choked up and a little upset but it only ever last for around 30 seconds and then I smile and move on. Well I got to the hospital, and into work I went.

There was only 3 of us working instead of 13 & more due to the public holiday and its like this on the weekends too. So I was put on wash up out the back as I am not a senior yet and unable to operate the big sterilisation machines. But being out the back on your own has its advantages, I get to put my own music station on – triple J, turn it up and dance and sing away while working. It gets my spirit going!

There was a knock at the door from someone out in the corridor, and it opened. A ladies head poked in and said in an accent... “Do you have any Scourers?” I couldn’t quite hear her so I moved closer and she repeated herself... “Of course I do, here have a hand full”. She then proceeded to speak to me about her work and straight away I knew she was Polish, it was like listening to my Grandma, Nanny Choo dads mum, and listening to dad all over again. Oh boy I was tearing up slightly listening to her but I took a deep breath and I smiled so BIG my cheeks were hurting.

I asked her “You are Polish?” she said yes. I told her my dad was from Bielsko Biala http://www.bielsko.biala.pl/eng

but died 5 years ago at 80. She told me she was from this town and then we talked for ages about how I travelled and stayed in Bielkso Biala and had a fantastic experience. She knew straight away and asked “How did you cope with no one speaking English?” I told her I would go to the Hotel President http://www.hotelprezydent.pl/ to speak to the one lady at the desk who spoke English. Everything during the day was by sign language and pointing.

She starting talking about cooking and the food dad use to make or eat like Bigos, Pierogi, Kapusniak, Klopsik, Kluski, Ogorki kiszone. This blew me away! I was in heaven and as you know me, I started talking hundred miles an hour.

She then told me of a little place in Bay street, tweed that sells some ingredients to this food and as a lot of the polish salamis too! And its on my way to work? I will be going there defiantly.

I didn’t want her to go and just listening to her voice gave me a great comfort.  But I must soldier on in life and I just thank my Angels and Dad for coming and saying HI! It’s so great to know he is around me and this is only one of 4 experiences I have had since dad died.

Angel of God, my guardian dear,
To whom God's love commits me here,
Ever this day be at my side,
To light and guard, to rule and guide.

Unconditional Love – A Simple Experiment by DR. WAYNE W. DYER

I would love to share this with you all.... Dr Wayne Dyer is one of my favourite and I own alot of this books.... Enjoy....

There is no greater power in heaven or on earth than pure, unconditional love. The nature of the God force, the unseen intelligence in all things, which causes the material world and is the center of both the spiritual and physical plane, is best described as pure, unconditional love. This God force is the oversoul to which we are always connected because we are localized extensions of that force.

I suggest you embark on an experiment in which you practice only unconditional love for several days. Vow to yourself that you will only allow unconditional loving thoughts to emanate from your consciousness. Make an intense proclamation to live unconditional love. During this time, refuse to have judgmental or critical thoughts. In your quiet time, think only peace and love. In all of your relationships, think and act in only loving ways. Extend loving thoughts and energy wherever and whenever you encounter anyone or anything. Become unconditional love for this period of time.

By pouring love into your immediate environment and practicing gentleness in all of your thoughts, words, and actions, your immediate circle of friends will begin responding in a whole new way. This act becomes expansive very quickly and you can radiate this love to your whole community. You become detached and loving toward all. You are not loving the hostile acts of others, but you are loving the spirit that is blocked in those who are harmful and unloving. When you can live this way and reject all thoughts and actions that are not of an unconditionally loving nature, you will experience the essence of your spirit and discover how to overcome limitations in your life.

What can you expect as you practice a few days of being total unconditional love? If all of your meditations are devoted to love, and if you pour love into every single situation and every single person you meet, and beyond that to everyone on the planet and to the infinity of the universe, you will feel yourself becoming a different person. You will sleep more soundly. You will feel at peace virtually all of the time. Your relationships will be more deeply spiritual. You will begin recognizing the “coincidences” of your life with greater regularity. Your thought forms of unconditional love will begin to produce what you desire without your even being aware of how it is happening. Your dreams will be more intense, and the vision of your purpose will become clearer.

The Poem I wrote when Dad Died

FARWELL DAD

(My Dad – Jan Jantzen)

My father was a Master Chef and worked into his prime
He worked hard everyday and night and he was always on time
He walked to work in weather both foul and both fair
He worked long into his fulfilled life until he had white hair

My dad would stand all day and night in front of a hot flaming stove
With pots and pans and food galore,
Thrown around a creation was wove

Bellows could be heard by dad from the kitchen far and near
“Get out of my bloody kitchen – Can’t you see I’m in top gear”?
Flames from the stove produced beads of sweat
But not once did he ever voice any regrets

Into his pan he would create his famous master piece
Then add a bit of this and that which went down like a treat
Then on the plate he would then create this unbelievable dish
This man-made creation right from his hand
Revealed creations so so lavish

He made meals for the public to line up to eat
And every night for us, this was a treat
He also made meals for his family – 3 meal courses
He made meals for all our childhood friends
He made meals that could feed 100 horses

My father raised 2 kids
He shaped them too as the food he did
He moulded them to be generous and kind
Tempered by his love and by his design

He instilled in them a sense of right and wrong
He prepared them for the life ahead and to be strong
He gave to each of them whatever it was that he had
And made them proud that he was their dad

My father worked until the night he fell asleep
And then silence engulfed our little Yamba town - we all wept
The banging and crashing we all got to know so well
Had stopped inside his kitchen
But since I am my father’s daughter, time will only tell!

Give 'em a hug, a great big kiss.
Because one day, he will be greatly missed.

Now I will have to look up at the stars and
say, "I love you, Daddy, more and more each day
For if you keep these moments, you will never be apart
And my daddy will live forever locked safe within my heart.


By Jessica Jantzen